It's not good. Why does the ex need to be present in our lives? Yes, the experiences shaped us but we can speak to the things we want in generalities, not direct comparisons. There's an implicit understanding that most of us at 30+ have exes, we don't need to make that explicit and more concretely surface ideas of them being with another lover.
I'm mostly like you that I avoid talking about exes, and I think that is social norm. I don't feel the need to bring up past relationships unless it brings helpful context, namely that I was previously engaged and moved to my current city for that ex (I always get asked why I moved to this crappy city when I came from San Diego/Honolulu), plus, being previously engaged is major enough of my romantic history that it should be known, which I do voice pretty much on 1st or 2nd meet.
My most recent ex of a few months did this to me as well with comparing to her long term ex and a rebound after him. Ultimately, I told her I don't want to do things because I'm worried about triggering your trauma from your ex. I'd rather be able to do things out of love for you and you asked for it and I respect your feelings and want you to feel good, so I don't ask too deeply on some things that I frankly also don't want to know about either (again, sex things).
For context, but feel free to ignore the rest as I'm venting a bit here for my sake since I ended it a month ago and I've been feeling uncertainty.
She kept putting me on a pedestal with how much I do for her, and telling me how the bar was so low before and now she met me and I'm way off the other end. Kind of feels nice but it also kind of feels weird. I don't need this reassurance, I already am confident in myself and what I bring into a relationship. There were other things that was a constant comparison to the ex and I asked her to please stop talking about her ex, who she kept bringing up on a first name basis, or his family.
At first, I told her it makes me uncomfortable when she keeps bringing up problems about their relationship, including sex, and using that as a reason to explain why she's the way she is. She seemed really bent on trying to explain to/convince me she's damaged because of her past and if I would just understand her past, I would be understand her better. I'm like please just stop talking about your ex, it makes me concerned why you're talking about him so much. She said she would never go back to him but he was still so present in her life. I responded that I wasn't jealous or insecure that she'd leave me for him. My concern was that she never really spent enough time dealing with the trauma and abuse and so this baggage was going to weigh our relationship down (surprise! It did) and she was still living in her past, when I never treated her poorly in the ways that her ex did, but I was getting certain reactions that made it feel like it was a reaction to what her ex would do, not me. Ultimately, it's her and her fear of abandonment, I've learned that more now. I do wonder if I had known that better while in the relationship would I have been able to react differently.
She did stop talking about the ex, but then some week later she brought up her ex's brother casually, again, first name basis, and I'm like wtf man... so we had to have the discussion constantly and it was slowly getting fixed but was triggering me.
She kept pushing my boundaries and not understanding and she kept questioning why and why, which she reasoned, and to her point, was to try and find out exactly what my pain point was so she could learn to avoid it more appropriately. I wasn't communicating specifics. That was one of the many things that pushed me to end the relationship. It's not only that she was pushing my boundaries, but I also was sad that I couldn't provide that listening ear for her because it was triggering me emotionally, and I often want to be so much of a provider to my partners that I let them push my boundaries. It made me feel like I wasn't the right person for her.
Anyway, it's something I've resolved to be better at for my next relationship, setting better boundaries.
